Hi, I am Bernard, the Wonder Robbert.
Bernard is the virtual child of Karl and Angela Robbert (note, name change to protect to weirdos). Angela, being of sound mind and body, absolves all involvement in Bernard's creation, upbrining, and education. The Roberts, on the day of my Birthday, decided it best to spend some time at Dave and Busters, rather than spend time with their real friend, me! So they ventured to a machine that morphs images, and proceeded to do that for themselves.
The result of this morph was a hedious creature that Mr. Robbert decided to call, gasp, Bernard.
Now I know what you're thinking, "are Karl and Angela ready for parenthood?" Well, no. Remember, Angela (aka, the smart one!), has absolved herself of all responsibilities of Bernard. This has left all child bearing responsibility to Karl, the proud, twisted Father.
After Bernard found out that Angela abandoned him, he got very very angry and made a nasty face:
Karl, in retaliation, made a nasty face back at Bernard. Bernard got kinda mad and ran away. Karl was upset, Angela was full of happiness, and all was right with the world.
Well, child and welfare services, thinking the kid was real, was assigned the case. Leave it government to find a virtual child! Their first, and fortunately for Bernard, only step they took was to publish his image on all the milk cartoons. Problem is, they used the FBI's masking technology and the resulting picture made it hard for anyone to recognize the tike.
Meanwhile, on a planet far, far away (Planet Hollywood), Bernard was making his way around. He infiltrated the set of X-Files and made a guest appearance as an human infected by an alien germ created by humans while visiting Mars!
Pretty soon after that episode bombed, Bernard really spiraled downhill. Reflecting on his bad upbringing (lik being born at age 8), he decided that it was time to take drugs to make the pain go away. He inhaled, shot-up, swalowed, and eventually exhaled.
Meanwhile, back at the Robbert's home, Karl, having viewed the X-Files episode, started to think about something: "Man, was that a bad episode!" After a few weeks Angela hit Karl over the head with a frying pan and said "You dork, that X-Files a couple weeks ago sucked because your Bernard was in it!" Karl was in disbelief at his wife's actions and asked "who is Bernard." Angela, realizing she hit him over the head one time too many, hit herself over the head in hopes that Bernard would be wiped from her mind. WHAP went the frying pan on her head, but no sooner had she been hit, than she slipped on the AOL disks scattered all over the floor. The result? Tragic! The frying pan flew through the air and hit Karl on the head!
Karl, after slipping on the AOL disks himself, lept up and cryed out for Bernard, "Bernard, you were on the X-Files, where-oh-where are you now my dear and only virtual son?" Angela responded, "Karl, what you been smoking, who the hell's Bernard?" Karl, in disgust, hit Angela over the head with the frying pan, and rushed out the door headed to Planet Hollywood!
In Hollywood Karl walks up and down the street until he can walk no more. He heads to the nearst police station and requests assitance. "Excuse me, officer" barks Karl, "my child, Bernard, is somewhere in this land and I cannot find him, would you please help?" The police, begin processing paper work and request a birth date. "Well, he was born on July 18, 1997," Karl informs the nice police officer. To which the officer responds, "Oh, then he's only 3 months old!" Karl explaims, "NO!, he's 8 years and three months."
Through a long process of determining Karl is nuts, the officers escort him to the local hospital for a checkup. As he is escorted down the hall Karl catches a glimpse of an X-Ray and exclaims "Bernard, my dearest virtual son, what have they done to you?"
Karl spent the remainder of his life in that Hospital searching high and low for Bernard. Angela remaried, had real kids, and tells this story on Halloween to all the neighborhood kids. Movie rights are pending.